Tony Blair has finally achieved his goal: A nice new “optional” ID card. Don’t worry though it will only required for everything you do, everywhere you go, forever. For the low low price of only four new aircraft carriers and a complete set of airplanes, plus £18 per individual, you too can join this glorious technical revolution.
This magical piece of plastic has finally solved identity fraud, illegal immigration, benefit abuse, and possibly loneliness—by giving everyone a shiny new digital collar. Sorry, card. Or app. Or biometric tether. Details pending. But I bet they’re ever so good.
Highlights of the scheme:
“Voluntary” at first, until you try to rent a flat, get a job, see a GP, vote, or buy Calpol.
Guaranteed secure, ‘onest it is. Those nice people at Serco and Capita promise it won’t be breached and the millions they make from selling you data, will go to good causes. Like bonuses, political contributions, Designer glasses, a new suit or two etc,
Post Office Horizon system, NHS IT, and every other tech miracle Whitehall has ever touched, was user faults, not ours
Data breaches? Impossible BUT, when one happens, don’t worry: your fingerprints, face scans, and NI number name age and address will be kept safe in Moscow or Beijing or Pyonang.
Mission creep forecast: Year 1: “Convenient login for GOV.UK” Year 3: “Required for benefits, NHS, and voting” Year 5: “Mandatory for breathing in public spaces”
Fun fact: You can change your password. You can’t change your biometric identity. So once it leaks, you’re not just hacked—you’re F****ED
But hey, if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear. Unless manage to not buy into this pile of dangerous rubbish.
